The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Version: How one can acknowledge it and the best way to reply

FINALLY! This explains all the bizarre, erratic, illogical, and hurtful behavior…
After 15 years in a marriage that felt like a roller coaster about to run off the rails–in spite of thousands of dollars and many hours of couple’s therapy and individual therapy–I FINALLY have a name for what was happening: verbal abuse. This is one the most validating and clarifying books I’ve ever read. It had me simultaneously nodding in agreement (and often saying YES! out loud) and crying as I felt like SOMEONE finally understood what I’d been trying to name and “fix” for 15 years of my life (actually more like 40+ years, because my father is a verbal abuser).It also helped me grieve the loss of a relationship that never really existed (aka a relationship of equals who lovingly and respectfully care for each other) and finally understand that no matter how much personal growth work or therapy I did or ways I contorted myself to “meet” my partner, the situation was unlikely to change. I found this book after my ex and I divorced, but I know the information and tools I’m learning will be crucial in choosing a healthy partner in the future and in dealing with my dad’s ongoing verbal abuse.This book also made me angry–angry to realize that the multiple “professionals” I’d trusted and paid to help me and my husband had no clue there was emotional abuse in spite of many examples that easily confirmed abuse. They kept thinking it was a communication or conflict problem that we both needed to “work on” which only served to make me feel like I needed to try harder to “communicate better” and be “more understanding” and allowed my husband to get off the hook for his bad behavior. But as the author says, “the problem is not a difference in communication or resolving conflict, the problem is abuse.”I wish I had found this book much earlier–it would have saved me years of heartache and believing there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t make my marriage work.If you feel like there’s something wrong with your relationship but can’t quite put your finger on it, this book could be invaluable in providing the missing pieces. I love how the author explains how verbal abusers and their non-abusive partners live in different realities and are playing by different rules. This most definitely rings true for me. I always felt like my husband and I were speaking different languages, and he was playing some game I was unaware of and could never win.I also really appreciate the concrete examples she gives of verbal abuse and how she breaks down the different types of verbal abuse. Some of the examples she gave were truly eye-opening, in that I would not have classified them as abuse since they’re so common and “accepted” in our culture. But once she explained why and how they were abusive, it made total sense.And, finally, where this book really shines is in the author’s explanations of the psychological landscape of the partner of the abuser and of the abuser himself/herself. I finally have an explanation and reason for all the erratic, illogical, bizarre, and hurtful behavior of my ex. And I can see how growing up in an abusive family set the stage for me being in an abusive relationship as an adult (in spite of all the therapy and personal growth work I’d done).Knowledge is power. Knowing what I know now, thanks to this book, I can empower myself to spot verbal abuse and shut it down before it does greater damage. I can stop the cycle of abuse, which is an amazing gift to get from one book!Btw, I got the Kindle version, and the formatting worked just fine.

Validation at Last!
This book helped me immensely! My partner was described exactly in this book. He did and said every controlling behaviour, even used the exactly the same words used as described. Patricia’s book was so helpful that it made me realise that ‘I didn’t create it, I didn’t cause it, and I can’t fix it’. Oh, I tried to fix it, over and over and over, exactly as described a partner would do living in these conditions. My mental health deteriorated exactly as described in this book. After reading this book, I just knew that I had to leave. I knew the verbal abuse was going to get worse and worse. I was so scared for my mental and physical health especially after being on the receiving end of a month-long episode of all the different types of verbal abuse as described. It’s all about power and control, and anyone who stays in this type of relationship will never get any of their needs met. They don’t want you to have ANY needs, wants or desires. I read this book in a few days, while I was organising how to leave. I was so afraid, almost paralysed, I lost 2kg, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely think. I was dry-reaching every morning. It was so hard making decisions. I was in such a state of anxiety and anguish caused by his verbal abuse and body language. My adult daughter suggested that I go to a Dr to get some Valium, which I only took for 2 days. This allowed me to calm down enough and make arrangements to get my car transported to another state, get my personal possessions shipped, organise a plane flight and an airport transfer, all in a week. I dared not rely on him helping me in any way, shape or form. I needed to get myself, my car and my personal stuff out of here intact, as soon as possible. I’ve leaving all my furniture behind. A price I was willing to pay, just to get myself and my mental and physical health and wellbeing out in one piece, in tatters, but not completely destroyed, by a man that claims he loves me, but really just loves the power and control he tried to enforce on me so much more. I have PSTD and I just assumed it was caused by a previous abusive relationship. Now I realise that I would never have gotten better in this relationship. He only made it worse. I leave in three days. Thankfully, he’s leaving me alone, giving me the silent treatment. I am invisible, a part of the furniture, not a real, live human being with my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, opinions, dreams and hopes for the future. I wasn’t allowed to express these, as he saw them as a threat. I wasnt even allowed to cry and I wanted to cry all the time. I still can’t believe how badly he treated me and all the nasty, mean things that he said to me. Of course, no one knows and everyone thinks he’s a kind, caring, considerate man, who’d do anything for anybody, only not for me. He’ll make out he is the victim for putting up with me and he’ll extract as much pity and sympathy as possible from others. They’ll never know that he was the long-time perpetrator of verbal and emotional abuse. This book gave me back my power and control over my life. It gave me the validation that I desperately needed and it gave me back myself. It’s been a lifesaver. I’m getting out of this abusive relationship entirely due to the insight I gained from this book. I can’t recommend this book highly enough. I’ve nearly finished reading Patricia Evens’ other book, ‘Controlling People’ and I believe that both books contain all the information one needs, to finally understand the undestandable nature of domestic abuse in all its many forms, why it won’t get better, why it will only get worse and why you need to get out now. Wish me well on beginning a new chapter of my life. Free from abuse and hopefully full of fun and real love from people that truly do care about my happiness.

This book is a must-read for everyone, not only people who believe to be in a verbally abusive relationship, as friendships can be that way too etc. However, if you have the slightest feeling that you are experiencing verbal abuse, this book will bring 100% clarity to you and help to regain control of your own personal needs and life. Very well written and I appreciate every line of this book.

The first half of the book is about helping you understand the thought process of the abuser and why they do what they do, and how your natural response to solve or calm the issues, actually inflames it. Hugely informative and makes a lot of sense too! The second half is about what you need to do in these situations, practical steps that I’ve taken and have helped enormously. The book does not promise to solve your problems, but guides you how to communicate with a verbal abuser. For me, it has been an eye opener to someone I have known a long time but only with this book pointing out common traits in verbal abusers have connected the dots I never knew existed but are so clear now.