Therapeutic Household Relationships: A Information to Peace and Reconciliation

Life-Giving Counsel
Rob Rienow has written a number of works on the family, the Church, and how the Gospel of Christ can be lived out in family life. And every one of those works, podcasts, conferences, sermons and resources is important. For those familiar with his writing, Healing Family Relationships is critical and foundational in the way that Visionary Parenting, or Limited Church, Unlimited Kingdom is.
Others have remarked and reviewed how biblically sound this work is, and we would be right to expect nothing less. There are other biblically sound books on conflict in family relationships, and even other works on how to lovingly, effectively deal with those. This book is different in that It focuses on the messy, noisy, painful things that go on after the hurt has already happened. Where Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker, for example, has so much to say about conflict, how to leave it behind, assess it, step away from it, and eventually resolve it, Rienow’s book is a deeply important complementary work that talks about how to address the emotions and the estrangement that come from families in a way that Sande’s does not. If Sande writes as a caution, Rienow here writes as a balm.
Readers familiar with Rienow’s previous work will find three familiar and crucial qualities; it is biblically faithful, it is accessible, and it is actionable. There is a clear sequence to the chapters, starting closest to the reader’s own heart in matters of family hurt. The first three chapters address the reader’s own heart and responses to what is there in preparation for going to another person. Only then does Rienow walk the reader through more “external” aspects of healing in relationships that have been broken by sinful attitudes, words, and actions.
Others will review specific areas of content, but I would personally reflect that the book has been helpful to me in a number of ways in dealing with the heart posture of “How do I do this?” kinds of moments. Chapter 5, Healing Through Acceptance, is an immensely helpful chapter for those of us that may struggle with the question of how to love someone who is still engaged in active sin. What does it mean to try and obey the call to love my neighbor when my neighbor is 1) my own flesh and blood, but 2) living in obvious and damaging sin, yet unrepentantly so? Rienow shares personal testimony from his own family to talk about this kind of decision, and how the Scriptures help us to love freely and authentically, without condoning the sin. For some of us, in at least some situations, that is a really tough question. Further, a strength of that chapter in particular is how it illustrates that loving someone looks and even feels differently at different stages along the way to reconciliation.
In short, this book is so, so important for Christian people and families to consider for numerous reasons. Each chapter has a clear theme, personal illustration(s) from the author and his family, and prompts for discussion and/or action steps. Because no family escapes hurt from conflict, no family needs to be without the kind of real, effective help and encouragement that this book offers. It is in a very real sense a deeply helpful, life-giving breath in a time when hurt is all around and more apparent by the day. My own family has been blessed, encouraged, and grown by Rob Rienow’s work here and elsewhere, and I believe that many others can be as well.

Solid Family Framework of Reconciliation
Rob did a great job summarizing spiritual truths forming a framework for how family relationships can be reconciled. His ministry focus, centering ministry on the family and God’s plan for using the family to deepen our discipleship, is clear.
I’ll mention just a few highlights. Though they addressed the concept of reconciliation, the first few chapters (Chp. 1-5) focused more on the individual. However, starting in the Spiritual Warfare chapter (chp. 6) Rob turned his focus on how Satan, more than just attacking individuals, wishes to direct his attention toward the family. He writes, “The demons hate what God loves. God loves your family. He intentionally brought you into the world with these specific people as a part of your family.”
The following chapter (chp. 7) was also a highlight. Based from the Joseph story and in the ministry of Jesus, Rob defends the idea of establishing healthy boundaries in family relationships. He briefly describes what these boundaries might look like in a number of family relationships, including unbelieving parents or relating to an adult child.
The same is true of the following chapters, seeing the need for compassion as you deal with family relationships (chp. 8), patience (chp. 9), using mediators via a discussion of Matthew 18 (chp. 10), and the need to display mercy (chp. 11).
The most important chapter as it relates to family ministry, though, is chapter 12. Rob does an excellent job of helping the reader see the tremendous power of the family unit via Psalm 78. After describing the power of what God might accomplish through the family, especially as we seek peace in our family relationships, Rob writes, “This is the gospel, kingdom, missional, and generational impact of a Christian family. A central motivation for confronting our family problems today is the ripple effect in the kingdom of God in generations to come.”
What I didn’t like? We do have a theological disagreement concerning his first chapter on forgiveness. I want to be gracious here because know I’m in the evangelical minority, but I believe forgiveness can only be extended when the one who has sinned against us has repented. We must ALWAYS have a heart to forgive (e.g. Col. 3:13; Lk. 23:34) and in response to ill-treatment, we are COMMANDED to do good (Lk. 6:27-31). However, whenever there is a clear and explicit chronological relationship given in Scripture about how these concepts relate, it’s always in this order: (1) Sin / (2) Rebuke / (3) Repentance / (4) Forgiveness / (5) Reconciliation (e.g. Luke 17:3-4; 1 John 1:9).
For example, Rob writes in chapter 1, “Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.” When I ask, “Does the Lord forgive me before I confess my sin?”, the answer is unfortunately, “No.” (Acts 2:38; 1 John 1:9). However when I ask, does the Lord WANT to forgive me and would He even pray for my forgiveness before I repent?” The answer is, “Definitely. His heart is always to forgive!” (1 Pet. 3:8-10; Lk. 23:34).
It’s more than just a chronological issue; it’s a theological issue. A huge question is, “Is forgiveness about your subjective feelings?” Does God forgive so He can make Himself feel better? Does God forgive us before we repent so that he doesn’t hold bitterness? Is the forgiveness God offers a subjective experience for Him? Or is it about objective reality, acknowledging our repentance and fully realizing our reconciliation? If it’s an objective reality for God, then it is about an objective reality for us as well.
But, for me, it’s not an insurmountable issue. Rob writes that “If you want until you ‘feel ready’ to forgive, you may end up waiting your entire life.” On this we agree! If there is ever a point we do not ‘feel ready’ to forgive, we must follow Rob’s foundational counsel and pray, “God please help me [be ready] to forgive!” Whether or not the objective reality of forgiveness is achieved, the need for our feelings to be in agreement with the readiness to forgive is still paramount!
Again, I know I’m in the minority on this issue and this is a ‘family disagreement’ within the body of Christ. I appreciated the work thoroughly, especially the latter chapters where he centered the need for reconciliation between family members on the overall purpose of the family God has designed it for: discipleship.

Practical & Impactful!
Hurts in family relationships are often complex and build over years. Figuring out how to fix things can be just as challenging and that process can also take years of hard work and prayer. In “Healing Family Relationships” Rob Rienow provides practical advice, actionable steps, and biblically sound strategies for owning your part in the conflict and a Christ-centered path to healing and reconciliation. The book is packed and backed by scripture and written in easy to understand language vs. heavy-handed theology. I’d highly recommend this book to anyone who is dealing with struggles with their immediate family, in-laws, parents, even those who perhaps aren’t directly related.

Christian Perspective with Solid Advice for All
Written from a Christian perspective, this books gives excellent advice on how to overcome and move past the conflict, hurt and resentment that even the best of families can encounter. Biblically based by a Christian family counselor, but has good solid advice for anyone of any belief system.